Cosmic Tea

Year 3018. Somewhere on Planet Earth, Milky Way. 12: 00h, Zulu Time. Every man for himself.

Gisfrodn Rumblebee was not having a good day. Of course, it had nothing to do with the fact that he was part of a super-advanced alien race that dominated interstellar travel - he did not consider himself alien, at most, "indigen". Nor did his bad day the fact that his species was engaged in exterminating other impure races for the sake of a greater good. And because of that, it took many days without staying in a decent toilet.

Even it had nothing to do with the fact that his name was "Rumblebee".

No, Gisfrodn Rumblebee was having a bad day because sometimes, the least, they stumbled upon species whose intelligence was somewhat superior to that of the common amoeba, and these species did not usually allow themselves to be exterminated without protest. And cry. Much. And he always had to give the news and deal with the begging, supplications and snot. That was frankly unpleasant.

- What exactly do you mean by "exterminate"? - said the representative of that race of terrestrials with a voice two octaves above the usual and obvious symptoms of the ailment commonly called "be scared to death".

- Annihilate, liquidate, eliminate, suppress of all existence - repeated, tired, Rumblebee, bringing his phonetic device to the translator microphone.  A thing called “Google” had programmed that in a hurry, so that the so-called "humans" could parley with the invader and dissuade them - what delusions, them - of their mission.

The so-called Invader came from the distant galaxy Via Caffeine, from the planet MU321, a planet that first produced perfect gentlemen. Of course, mudrians could perfectly raze without consideration or, of course, any explanation. Simple and brutal destruction, unambiguously. Well, also that. However, the laws of courtesy that governed the way of life of this superior race demanded that yes, absolute devastation itself, but that at least the devastated understand why and, if they are willing, give their consent and a signature. Consent was considered a mere formality, as important as marking a box more or less in a very boring form. In any way, the exterminated were going to oppose the same resistance as a snail confronting a blast furnace.

- But, but ... why? - the terrestrial representative, a soft, flabby guy with yellow hair and orange skin, without any attraction or exoskeleton. If that fellow represented the average intelligence of the terrestrial ones, the common amoeba could feel offended of being object of comparison with those organisms. There was no way they could understand it.

- Those are orders from the High Command. We must proceed immediately to the elimination of parasites attached to this part of the galaxy and the host planet.

- P ... parasites? - the orange guy showed less signs of intelligent life at times.

- Parasites: species that expand their survival capacity by using other species to cover their basic and vital needs. - defined Gisfrodn Rumblebee to Google Translate. - until now we did not know about the activity of the "human" multicellular organisms in this part of the galaxy, and we regret too much the extent of the damage. We are very afraid that the planet has no solution and must also be sacrificed along with the parasites. It is definitely the best, do not be out of control and end up colonizing other planets and galaxies.

- No ... we do not ... - The terrestrial representative went from orange to red.

- In fact - Rumblebee continued - we know that they have already started to jump from the host called Earth to other astronomical objects of this Solar System, and the situation can NOT go any further. We can’t allow the unlimited exploitation of this planet to cross our borders.

- We ... We never ... We demand to speak with the High Command! This is a terrible mistake! - the individual perspired liquid very, very, unpleasantly. Rumblebee mentally noted the need to purify his entire body once they had destroyed that planet and those life forms.

- The High Command would never communicate with such an inferior species - said Rumblebee with the tone with which someone would approach a dung beetle to explain that he can’t be president. - In fact, the exact words of the High Command when it noticed the existence and the activity of the terrestrial parasites have been "Such disgusting! Kill them, kill them, kill them! "

- We are not parasites! We are the only intelligent species of ...! - the orange representative was silent in front of the unusual noise that suddenly issued the invaders. That sound came from various parts of their bodies, mostly from a kind of trumpet protrusion of the face. The parliamentary invader emitted that strange noise next to the translator's microphone, and this in turn translated:

- Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…!

- Enough - Rumblebee said, drying his own perspiration due to uncontrollable laughter. - Now that you have been duly informed we proceed without delay to the destruction of this planet and everything on it.

-Just a moment! I request five minutes of audience, gentlemen. - Said another individual, somewhat less unpleasant than the orange guy, coming out from the ranks of the nervous organisms. Gisfrodn Rumblebee looked at him with annoyance. Should they continue to apply the rules of courtesy or was it already ok? At that moment he received radio news that they should wait a little longer for the ship's fuel to be reloaded. Well, they could entertain a little more with humans. And then, to the fire.

- Speak, Earthman. Say what you have to say.

- Thank you, sir ... how do I address you, sir?

- You talk to the Second Officer on Board Gisfrodn Rumblebee - murmur that rises from the bottom. The orange commented a bit too loudly: "Did he say his name is Rumblebee?" The orange one shall burn first.

- So ... Mr. Rumblebee, my name is Ulysses, and we would like to show you that we are a race worthy of improvement and forgiveness that, without any doubt, you harbor in your souls. We promise here and now to stop polluting, and stop all wars, and switch to electric cars, and practice love of neighbor ...

- That, as you would say on this planet, "we do not give a damn". - said Rumblebee, who was widely read.

- But, we really want, before everything is over, to have the option to try you somehow ... - At that moment Rumblebee received another radio message. That they would still be a little longer on that boulder, the destructive beam still had to warm up. The Earthman was beginning to lose his temper and Rumblebee was more than bored and tired of standing. He decided that they could both entertain each other until the end came.

- Okay, you've convinced me - he said to stop the tearful babbling of the earthman. He thought hurriedly. - To prove to the mudrians that you deserve for a moment to us consider postponing the total destruction of your home-rock, you should offer us as a tribute the best drink- no, the three best drinks of your planet, we will make it easy for you. If we get pleased, perhaps, your end does not come ... so soon. - Murmurs and more excited murmurs – Order! Order in the court! Do they drink here? - Asked in an aside to his companions. - You, the negotiator, will be one of those in charge of making such fabulous drinks. You and two more of your choice. Put them to work. You have ... half an hour.

The so-called Ulysses ran off to the rows of nervous humans, and Gisfrodn saw him talking to a couple of individuals, one of them vaguely resembling a female, and taking them apart, to a nearby table there. He and two more Mudrians approached to supervise them. They did not even suspect that such a simple subspecies had the slightest chance to trap them, but they were entertaining when they thought they could.

- Let's see, what do you propose that we give them? Some sweet cocktail that in turn inhibits their nervous systems ...? - Ulysses was horrified, seeing that the Mudrians sat near them and opened their phone devices in something like a smile. - That's an important issue, along what do they drink?

- Okay, we can offer them beer, Glüwein, hamoud, cachaça, wine, brandy ... - said Hans the German chef, who had also worked as a waiter in a pub.

- No, I do not think alcoholic beverages are the solution. We cannot be sure that they will like the taste ... - said Amina, the pharmacist. - Maybe a fruit juice? Refreshments?

- What if they seem too sweet or simple? And no gas, we do not know how they would metabolize it, it would be a party.

- Maybe it suits us to plug something.

- And maybe they'll kill us all out of a huge f ...

- Let's focus. So, no alcohol, no juice, no soft drinks ... Coffee?

- We already know coffee - Rumblebee intervened at that moment, smiling even more widely.

-              How...? Well, it does not matter. - Ulysses said. So, we have only one option left.

-              You mean…? - said Amina.

- Yes, we'll have to try it.

The Earthmen started to work hardly. They brought a kind of stove to the work table with which they boiled something as simple as water. Rumblebee rumbled once more with his laughter.

The Earthmen had three curious fatty containers in front of them, full of that water of theirs that was heated by fire. The human female supervised a regulating plug and muttered:

- 70 degrees, neither one more nor one less. The water should not come to boil. - The fat Earthman was breaking with his hands what looked like green leaves and sprinkled them inside one of the containers. Rumblebee was informed that these plates consisted in the digestive organs of organisms with less voice and vote on that planet, called "plants". Surprised, he observed the other male who was asking at that moment:

- Better red or black? Red has many vitamins and thins and black is antioxidant ...

- Choose the black, we are not entirely sure that these people do not have metal parts and that they worry about to be fit.

- And we could mix it with a little blue, which strengthens the immune system.

- Will they have that?

- Fruity or floral? FRUITY OR FLORAL?

- Calm down for God’s sake! Do not panic. Better fruity, will give a more intense touch.

- Have we gone too far with ginger?

- You have to take a chance! How is that Matcha?

-Ongoing! - Ulysses was stirring at that moment an intense green brew. The smell made Rumblebee think in granite stone mills, and in long rituals, long robes and long hair, he did not know why.

- Is the bio infusion ready?

- I'm finishing adding pepper, licorice and lemon scent right now.

- Earthmen, time is running out! - Rumblebee said, getting up and approaching the humans. The three of them jumped at the same time, and, trembling but determined, they finished pouring the drinks into three glasses and brought them with a tray to the aliens.

They divided the glasses between Gisfrodn Rumblebee and his companions. The Second Officer took a sip of the first brew. And his eyes widened.

- For the Great God MyFinger! What is this?

- That, sir, is what on Earth we call tea. This in particular is black tea flavored with pieces of mango and papaya, orange, strawberry, raspberry, currants, orange blossom, lemongrass and sunflower petals.

- I feel ... I do not know ... different. What kind of sorcery is this!?

- Oh well, tea has many properties. It is tonic, diuretic, astringent, digestive, balsamic...

- And so stimulating. I feel like I could run from here to MU321 without lunch!

- Why is he feeling like that? - said Hans.

- I do not know ... They're aliens, who knows how do they have the internal pipes.

At that time one of the companions of Gisfrodn, (whom we will call Alien1) finished his glass.

- For the beards of the Steward! I love this green wonder!

- Ah, you have the Matcha. Savor it with patience, sir - said the pharmacist. - This tea from Japan is one of the most appreciated throughout the planet Earth. Due to its mode of preparation is rich in vitamin C, magnesium and zinc, helps control cholesterol - Alien1 had a big belly - and is a natural detoxifier.

- Well, it is colored exactly as my aunt Gerudin.

- Give me that, I want to try it - Gisfrodn said taking a sip of Matcha's glass. Much to his chagrin, he was more than intrigued with the potions of the Terrans. Then Alien2 spoke:

- I need a barrel of this right now!

- You have had the best, sir, on my humble opinion - Ulises intervened. - That is a very successful blend of my invention, green tea, lemongrass, ginger, lemon, mint, pepper, licorice and natural lemon aroma. Organic Farming, I must add, that never hurts. A delicious…

- A super-heated infusion of free radicals and tannins! Just ideal to heal the synapses!

- Nor would I have said it better, sir. Where will I have heard that myself ...? ⁽¹⁾

- Earthmen. - Gisfrodn Rumblebee spoke at that moment, suddenly very serious. The three humans suddenly remembered where they were and what they were playing and kept silent, waiting for the verdict. Would they have managed to have their lives spared or had they only delayed the inevitable?

- We have been very pleased with your magic drinks. We have had a good time with you, I am happy and really sorry. Actually, all this has been a pretext to keep you entertained ...

- Wait a little man, drink, drink this, you have not tried yet. - said Alien2 and handed Gisfrodn the glass of ginger and lemon infusion.

And Gisfrodn Rumblebee rumbled from above like never before, in a very noisy way and not at all thin or chivalrous. And he put on a very strange expression. He lost the Google Translator.

- What ... what happened here? He said, looking at the glass, hallucinating.

- Hmmm, sir, we believe that the substances of the infusions affect them

- Hmmm, sir, we think that the substances of the infusions affect you differently ... We are very sorry - Ulysses began to apologize, covering his nose.

- What do you regret, foolish? This is a miracle! I had not felt so relieved in years!

- We'll say goodbye to our families ... Wait, what? - Alien1 and Alien2 broke into laughter with their trumpeter laughter.

- Ah friend, after so long, have you finally found the remedy for your ailment? – Alien1 said.

- Yes, you do not realize how unbearable it can be to travel with him for weeks on this small ship, said Alien2.

- Yes, there’s a reason why his name is “Rumblebee”.

- We need to take with us the main ingredient of these drinks - said Gisfrodn, still impressed.

- Oh no, we are very afraid that you will not be able to take tea with you to your planet, sir-Ulysses said bravely under the scrutinizing gaze of the aliens. - tea is a terrestrial plant, and as such, it could not survive outside the planet. Also, I doubt a lot that you know how to grow it outside this galaxy. And surely you will also want to take the ginger, which would greatly improve your circulation, and all the fruits, absolutely terrestrial and that bring the flavor that has so dazzled you ... And even if you tortured me, I would not be able to tell you how the Matcha tea is prepared. So if you want to continue taking this in the future the survival of the planet Earth shall be preserved, as well as its inhabitants, animals, humans and plants.

Gisfrodn Rumblebee stared at the humans and meditated long and hard.

- I will speak with the High Command - when the cheers of the multitude of humans awaiting the verdict were silenced, he continued. - You will have to write to me in detail all the properties and advantages of this wonderful drink of yours. And let us hope for your good that the High Command also has problems with its five stomachs and hires your commercial services. - He turned around and started walking. - Come on, we have a lot of work.

Amina the pharmacist was chattering cheerfully with Alien1 and Alien2.

- Well, we have not told you all the beneficial substances that they contain: iron, copper, silicon, aluminum, magnesium, phosphorus, calcium ...

- By the Great God MyFinger, this drink has more minerals inside than the heart of a star!

⁽¹⁾ The Universe is too small and sometimes there are unavailable crossovers.